PROFILES IN CONFUSION
KEVIN PICKFORD
BORN: To Chuck Pickford, former Army drill instructor and current president of First National Bank, the same bank where Kevin, Don, and "Pink" steal two spirit of '76 bicentennial statues and paint them to look like Kiss's Gene Simmons and peter Criss. Mom is Eileen Pickford, who has a blind spot where Kevin is concerned. If not for her, he would've been sent to military schoo long ago.
MUSICAL KARMA: Kevin dedicates himself to getting high, throwing parties and collecting unlistenable "progressive" and acid rock albums. He fills his record shelves with the works of Uriah heep, King Crimson, McDonald & Giles, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Robin Trower, Hawkwind, Magma, Gentle Giant, Triumvirate, Genesis and Yes. He compares Tales of Topographic oceans to Bach and Beethoven in a paper for Music Appreciation and recieves a D+.
STEREO SYSTEM: Dual Turntable, Pioneer 50-watt reciever, JBL speakers. Saving up for a pair of massive Klipschorns. contemplates switching over from 8-tracks to cassettes.
CLOSE CALL: After hosting a two-kilo party while his parents are in Florida, he cleans up so well they can't find evidence to go with the pungent odur clinging to the drapes.
WALL POSTERS: M.C. Escher's drawing of nightingales turning into table napkins, Salvador Dali's painting of liquid bank valts, and a pre-psychedelic mural by Heronymous Bosch.
VOCATION: Inherits the Robert E. Lee dope dealing franchise from a senior who's arrested in operation intercept, Nixon's drug interdiction program.
FAVORITE PASTIME: Trying to be the coolest guy in the crowd.
PRIZED POSSESSION: The Judge, a 1970 GTO he gets for his 16th birthday.
QUOTE OF THE YEAR: "Keep on space truckin."
SLATER
NAME: Ron Slater
FORMATIVE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE: Telling his parent's he's going on a day-long arrowhead hunt with friends, he attends a concert by ZZ Top and Santana at the state university's football stadium. A buxom woman wearing cutoffs and a t-shirt showing Richard Nixon feeling up the Statue of Liberty's says to Ron, "Wanna shotgun?" when he looks puzzled, grabs him behind the head and kisses him while vigorously blowing pot smoke into his lungs. Without consciously realizing it, Ron changes his life.
ROLE MODELS: The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
EARLY WARNING SIGNS: As a boy, Ron spends hours gazing at the hallucinogenic panels drwan by Jack Kirby and Jim Steranko for various issues of Silver Surfer, Fantastic four, and Nick Fury, agent of Shield. also sees 2001, a Space Odyssey nine times.
FIRST FLIGHT: Two-thirds of the way through seemingly endless Jerry Garcia solo at a Dead concert, he is convinced he has levitated about two feet off the ground. slater never quite comes down again.
WALL POSTERS: A silk-screened portrait of the bearded guy who appears on the cover of Zig Zag rolling papers, an enormous day-glo Hendrix, a picture from Rolling Stone of the Grateful Dead's Phil Lesh standing in front of a naked hippy chick, various concert posters, a High Times centerfold, and, over the bed, a life-sized nude of jane Fonda sitting on a beach.
BONG AMBITION: Working on an anti-resin water pipe that merges NASA technology with ancient Asian hookah design; plans to approach Jimmy Page, Cheech and Chong, Robin Trower and other notable smokers for backing.
UTOPIAN TEXT: Charles reich's The Greening of America, which he's been reading at the rate of several paragraphs a week for the past year or so. Also believes every word in Erich Von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods.
BEACONS OF HOPE: Comet Kohutek, Which is actually pretty awesome when enhanced by a telescope and mescaline, and the Viking I photos of Martian canals, which prove von Daniken was right.
MYSTERY CHANT: "Ahhhh fawa-kawa, pusseh pusseh," that inscrutable phrase John Lennon keeps repeating in "No. 9 dream Song."
PET CONSPIRACY THEORY: Pot is illegal because William Randolph Hearst got together with the logging industry to keep cheaper paper made from hemp off the market.
HELPFUL HINTS FROM MICHELLE
ROACH-CLIPS UNDER PRESSURE
POT ETIQUETTE
HELPFUL HINTS FROM WOODERSON
- When rolling a joint, do not lick the whole joint for a "slow burn."
- Hogging the reefer to yourself is often known as "Bogarting," punishable by death.
- Never roll your weed with "lumber" (sticks/stems).
- Always roll with one paper.
- Never roll a "pop corn joint" (marijuana cigarettes with seeds).
- Always de-seed and de-stem your pot.
- Never criticize another's weed after smoking it.
- Always hold in smoke for 2.3 minutes, then cough a lot through nose in appreciation.
- After smoking, play "Physical Graffiti" as loud as possible.
- Don't mooch pot of others, unless others mooch pot off you.
- Never spill the Bong water.
- Don't ever drink the Bong water (even if it's a beer bong).
- Never talk when holding the joint (unless in Europe).
- Don't scrape your friend's pipes.
- Don't skim others bags.
- Always sell full, five finger bags.
- Save roaches for a rainy day (or dry periods).
- Don't hand someone a clogged bong.
- Never pass a microscopic roach.
- Don't light cigarettes off the joint.
- Don't light joints off the cigarette.
- Never ever narc.
SLATER'S "101 WAYS TO SMOKE POT AT SCHOOL"
1. Always arrive early for school so you have more time to roll a good joint.
2. Leave all your notebooks in the car so you can retrieve them one at a time. (This way you get to smoke before every class.)
3. Smoke underneath the hooded fans in the chemistry room.
4. Write yourself a doctor's excuse to get out of class/school, go anywhere, and toke yourself numb. Come back and tell them your on heavy medication.
5. In the girls bathroom, take the top off a tampon wrapper. Remove the tampon. Fill the empty hole with pot. Roll it up on both sides and flame it away. smoke some cigarettes.....
6. In metals/jewelry class you can always smoke in the room where you melt stuff (not to mention that you always have a flame handy).
7. Lunch break: anything goes.
8. Before school empty out half of a cigarette, load with weed and smoke during recess.
9. In between classes open your locker, light a Tokeless pipe, and exhale into the locker (or someone else's locker...)
10. when no ones in the science room, put some hash on pin, light, cover with a beaker and collect the smoke, lift, inhale. Later collect cool glass stuff to make bongs at home.
11. In the cafeteria, take some weed, put it on the food of your choice and munch out.
12. Take a photo-journalism class. This way you get the full "use" of the darkroom.
13. Keep failing drivers-Ed until you get an instructor who smokes pot. While practicing your skills, keep taking the wrong turns until you run out of gas. Light one up while you wait for a ride.
14.
Smoke behind the kiln in ceramics class after firing up your new sculpture/bong.
15. Run to the school nurse, throw up and get sent home, load bong.
16. light up underneath the bleachers at the football field. (WARNING: A lot of my friends have been busted here...)
17. Skip class and climb up to the catwalk in the auditorium and toke away the time. If you're lucky, you might get to see a play for free...( like my favorite high school plays, "Guys and Dolls" and "A Streetcar Named Desire").
18. In the automotive class, they let you test drive cars when you're done working on them. Drive off, light up, air out, and drive back.
19.
Move slow... it takes a while for everybody to get to the pep rally - ample time to blow a reefer. Use a smokeless pen pipe.
20. Play an instrument in band class. That way, you can sign up to use the practice rooms, or should I say the opium dens...
21. Go on as many field trips as you can; (as if you didn't want to anyway). It's harder for them to keep track of you, you know, so it's easier for you to split/slip/spleef off.
22. Run for student council, so you have the temporary building all to yourself.
23. Use any religious holiday you can think of to get out of class. Leave and worship the Red-Budded One.
24. In Home-Ekkk, stash your weed in the oregano spice can. Cook spaghetti with lots of "spice."
25. Or, in Home-Bleckkk, light spaghetti strands on the stove to cover up the smell of the pot you just smoked OR start a grease fire so you can smoke some major budd-age.
26. Smoke, buy more, smoke some more, all in the safety of the Smoking Section. (be sure to keep a regular cigarette burning.)
27. Fire alarms for when you're really jonesing.
28. Join the F.F.A. (Future Farmers of America), smoke out in the animal trailers where the stench will hide anything.
29. At the pep rally wait for everyone to clap for the cheerleaders, then take a hit of that three-foot bong.
30. Light up while waiting for the school bus.
31. Become an Audio/Visual (A/V) nerd, this gives you free access to wander the hallways. Smoke in the closet where they store all the film and slide projectors.
32. Start a cafeteria food fight. This is a good diversion to do a quick one-hit.
33. Join the track team and smoke weed while running long distance.
34. Be a hall monitor. Cops get away with murder.
35. Find out which teachers smoke pot... Eventually you'll be in one of their classes. Use it against them, sell them some pot, or steal their diaries for blackmail - usually found in the top drawer of their desk. (Go see Ms. Stroud's classroom.)
36. Get the back seat on the school bus - the driver can't see you and the people who sit in the back don't care if you smoke anyway (you'll probably have to share...).
37. Create a parking lot diversion. Take turns having someone burn rubber so the parking lot narc will chase after them. Meanwhile, see how much pot you and your friends can smoke before he makes it back to your side of the parking lot.
38. Skip class, break into the teacher's lounge, toke yourself silly.
39. In Health class, sit in the back row when they have the police come in and lecture you on drugs. They pass around a box with a couple of joints in it, so you can see what marijuana looks like. Roll a couple of fake joints before class. Exchange. Ask to go to the bathroom.
40. Join some kind of after-school club. It's like having the play ground all to yourself.
41. Shop class is the time to light-up; the classrooms are huge, and you can always tell if your teacher is really involved in some project on the other side of the room.
42. In Journalism they usually let you go anywhere in school with your press pass; you know - freedom of the press...
43. Ditch class when the kitchen crew is gone after lunch, so you're in the best spot when you get the munchies...
44. Automatic pipes, need I say more? Lighter, stash, bowl all in one. Smokeless, coolness!
45. Go into the basement during lunch to explore all the nooks and crannies. Meanwhile smoking bowl after bowl (even more fun with member of the opposite sex, or your pot dealer...).
46. Excuse yourself from class using any obscure religious holiday (this works great to get your other friends out of class too). Smoke on your way to church, temple, synagogue, Y.M.C.A. , pool hall...
47. Give your teacher an excuse to walk out of the room. Example: start throwing up and run out of the room, calling for help. (Your friends will spot you a joint later).
48. Get to know the long-haired janitor. Follow him to his "secret" spot.
49. Find a way up to the roof. Bring lounge chairs, kick back and relax. When's the last time you saw the principal trying to make siege on the school roof?
50. Light up in class. Advantages: you don't have to go to school so you can smoke whenever you want, and you don't need money in jail because you can trade cigarettes for weed. Disadvantages: suspension, a life sentence (for killing someone over a pinner), heroin addiction.
51. Climb into the drainage ditches or steam tunnels and smoke.
52. Push out the fake sound tiles in the hallway ceiling then have someone boost you up there. Crawl around and explore while roasting that doobie.
53. Join the swim team. You can smoke in the locker room after school and get rid of the reek when you go swimming.
54. Call in a bomb threat; drag your feet while leaving so you can get lost in the crowd that smokes the weed.
55. Smoke underneath the cars in automotive class.
56. Kiss your coach's ass - "volunteer" to wash the towels after gym, this gives you time to light up and find possible future fuel for blackmail.
57. Find the room with the main power box; smoke while contemplating your next move...
58. After seeing "Roots," claim it's your natural birth-right as a native American Indian (or whatever) to smoke marijuana whenever and wherever you want.
59. Do one-hits while dissecting fetal pigs in biology. The formaldehyde overpowers the skunk weed 2 to 1. (while your at it, cut off one of the front feet to use for a roach-clip later).
60. Always light up when using a bunsen burner.
61. In Socio-EcoPlumbing class, weld two pieces of copper pipe together, insert window screen, light and share with class.
62. Have a "seizure," tell the nurse it was an epileptic fit brought on by glaucoma and that you have a jointin your "medicine bag."
63. Smoke under the stairs between classes. The smoke will rise and you'll have an escape route at the bottom of the stairs.
64. On windy days, torch-up between buildings.
65. Usually in any foreign language class they have a day where you get to eat some of the food from that country. Take Moroccan; the curry smell will eat up the smell of any hash. Bring brownies for desert. If questioned, say you thought brownies originated in the Middle East.
66. Have one of your friends "flip out" on acid. Tell your teacher you need to take them outside for some fresh air, so you can "talk them down." Ditch class; smoke a joint in the parking lot.
67. In Astronomy class, complain that you thought it was astrology class and your psychic advisor told you that it was alright to smoke pot during the rap session.
68. Have an anxiety attack so you can go see your councilor. If you're lucky he/she will want to "rap" with you. Casually take out a joint and start puffing. They'll think you're under a lot of pressure; most likely, they'll make you put it out. But that's usually after you've had a couple of drags.
69. Steal a book of hall passes; this gives you access to the whole school.
70. Jim Morrison is dead, and now Keith Moon. Wait till Elvis dies, then run out of the room screaming "Dead! Dead! They're all Dead!" in between buildings and torch up, in memorial.
71. In debate class take a stand: because of the energy crisis it's a waste of money to be attending school that day. Walk out proudly, showing your true colours: red (hair), white (smoke), & blue (lungs).
72. Seduce Ms. Stroud (or any other young, nubile "instructor") this guarantees your "liberation" to leave her/his class at any time.
73. Go to class sporting some horrible bodily odor. After offending eveeryone in class, they'll probably make you leave. If that doesn't work, soil yourself.
74. Do one-hits in the back of the class. Drop a stink bomb to cover the odor.
75. Make loud accusations that your teacher is a known member of the SLA; the louder you are, the faster they'll run to the front office for help. light up while waiting for the principal to take you to detention hall.
76. On Washington's birthday start puffing on a joint in history class while ranting that your forefathers smoked pot and it's your right, too. If they don't let you, scream at the top of your lungs that they're un-American.
77. Bet your friend a joint that they can't spell out "SHELLOIL" on a pocket calculator. When they give up, punch in the number 71077345 and flip the calculator over. Toke the ganja in the slide rule repair department.
78. Put a giant screen in your alto sax during Music class. Duct-tape all the holes shut. Light, suck.
79. Form the longest lunch line possible with all your friends. Light up and pass a joint down the lunch line (speed is an important factor here). If questioned about the aroma, look stupid and point to the kitchen.
80. Try out for the cheerleaders whether you can lead cheers or not (or if you're a boy or a girl). Regularly fall down and sprain your ankle so you can watch them from a good smoking distance.
81. Get on the photo journalism staff and demand they send you over to vietnam, where the real pot is.
82. Get in with the Future Nurses Club - they're always a good connection.
83. Any adventure club usually goes on trips and gets you out of class for a couple of days. They're also usually run by ex-hippies.
84. Become sensitive, shy, and confused. This will dupe any teacher into cutting you 100% slack, which is always your ticket to freedom, brother.
85. Volunteer to stack books for the librarian. Disappear in the stacks and puff away. If questioned blame it on gas - they'll never know the difference.
86. Drink a fifth of bourbon before you get to school; by second period, they'll throw you out of class (if you don't throw up in class). If your coordination is still together, try to fire up that weed on the way home from school.
87. Freak out in class, screaming "I don't want to be eligible for the draft!" Run out of the room, towards the opium den of your choice; it will take them a joint's worth of time for them to find you.
88. Volunteer for the job of raising the school flag in the morning, so you can salute the colors as they follow a cloud of smoke.
89. Lock yourself in the room where the faculty hang their coats. Exhale through their jackets.
90. Take typing class and type yourself a note from your mother, excusing you from that period (or the next period) and have your friend sign your mom's John Hancock.
91. In automotive class, have your weed stashed under the seat of your mini bike. Toke up when welding on your muffler.
92. Smoke a joint before school starts. Exhale into a big glass jar with a lid, stash the jar in your locker, take hits off it in between classes.
93. Before school, make "ice tea" out of your pot. Keep it in the thermos of your "partridge family" lunch box.
94. At the formal dance, have a joint stashed in the knot of your tie. Sneak off into a darkened corner and light.
95. Try out for the talent show. Do something patriotic with sparklers, there'll be so much smoke that nobody can see that joint next to the sparkler in your mouth.
96. During the "Halloween Dance" dress up as a Hippy smoking a fake joint. Make it out of a rolling paper, tobacco, and some flour. Blow through it to make the flour puff out like smoke. Switch it with a real joint when the coast is clear.
97. Join the pep club. Request huge bonfires for every pep rally. Stuff the pile of wood with tons of paper for extra smoke. Roll lots of pin joints and stand in the second row.
98. Act stupid so you can get thrown into a "special - ed." class. Usually the teacher is worse off than the students, and you're "special" - no matter what you do (or smoke).
99. Get a fog machine, like the one KISS uses. Light up in class. If they suspect you're smoking some weed, blast 'em with your fog machine. Use it for cover when you run out the door.
100. Set your school on fire. The thick, billowing clouds of smoke will hide the reek of weed, 100% guaranteed.
101. Repeat all of the above at school tomorrow.